– CARPENTER MOONBASE 6, LEVEL 4, PRESS ROOM 2A
We’re going to have to make this quick because typing is still slightly painful.
Blades. Those things have been fuckin’ people up for over 2 million years. That’s right. You had no clue. Gorillas and people like them have been making sharp tools for over 2 million years.
Don’t believe me? Well here’s something I read on the internet that backs me up!
Lots of people have gotten hurt by these things.
Last Thursday evening, Matt Carpenter’s left hand was cut in the sink while he was dealing with some dishes. An evil knife jumped out of the sink and bit him between the thumb and forefinger, creating a large knife-bite mark that required five stitches and a week of “ow!”
These stitches are coming out today, but don’t expect any fancy art for a while, because this fucking hurts.
Let’s check in with our buddy Moe_Ron to see if he has anything to add. Moe_Ron?
Moe: Oh my gosh, Matt, I’m so sorry that happened! I hope you heal quickly and are back up on your fingers lickity-spl- uhh… in a flash!
Ron: Stop kissing his ass, Moe! Hey, Matt! You’re a fucking idiot! What the hell are you doing with your life?! Damn, dude, be more careful. Holy shit.
Moe: That’s so mean, Ron. He’s in pain right now and he’s our friend. He needs our support. It’s OK, Matt! You’re going to be ok, buddy.
Ron: He’s no friend of mine, Moe. Dude hasn’t done shit for me. And now he’s walking around spraying blood everywhere? What an asshole!
Moe: He’s not spraying blood everywhere, Ron. That’s ridiculous. He’s got it patched up and cleans and cares for it daily. There’s no blood spraying anywhere.
Ron: I heard there was spraying
Moe: No spray
Moe: No Spray!
— OK Moe_Ron we’re going to stop you right there. Thanks for your contribution, I guess.
I’ll be back into it soon, chumps. I mean champs. I mean chimps.