You’re still here? Oh, NOW you want to see them, huh? Well I thought you had to leave. You feel bad? You think I’m going to show them to you because you told me you feel bad? I’m not a charity case, buster! Go on! Get lost! Go pound a short cliff off a long walk on the beach! Hey hey woah WOAH WOOAHH there, calm down! Hey don’t TOUCH me!
— CARPENTER ART DEVELOPMENT FACILITY 792D, FLOOR -61, QUADRANT 5, STUDIO 64, DESK 3
Below is a link to the “Newest Additions” in the mattcarpenterart.com gallery. Thank you for your attention and have a great da- hey, stop it, get off me!
A loud metallic squink is heard. mattcarpenterart.com’s “friend,” Moe_Ron are seen standing over the guy who was writing this post. Who’s writing THIS part, then? I don’t know, lady, quit asking so many questions!
Moe: Ron, go easy on him, he just works here!
Ron: He’s dead, Moe. I did what I had to do.
Moe: Geeze, Ron, you didn’t have to kill the poor guy. We just wanted to break in here and liven the place up a bit. Why is this place so dead? There were no posts in over 6 months and then the comeback post is just so dang BORING! What do you think happened?
Ron: I’ve been telling you this for a long time, Moe: This place sucks. It’s only a matter of time before it just kind of burns out, just like the artist. We broke in here to help, but I’m not sure that’s possible. Hand me that notepad on the desk.
Moe: Did you see the new art? There’s some fresh, wonderful stuff, Ron! Look:
Ron: Jeee-SSUSSS CHRIST, Moe! Where’s our backpack with the drugs? It’s time to get TANGLED and TRIP THE FUGGOUT!
Moe: Ron, you don’t need drugs to appreciate cool artwork. This is beautiful on its own. No reason to get tangled.
Ron: Man I keep forgetting this guy makes such cool shit! I wonder how he does it. Do you think he uses a paintbrush? This one’s probably ballpoint pen! Maybe it’s chalk?
Moe: I think it’s digital art, Ron.
Ron: Oh, like MS Paint? What a fucking NERD, am I right?!
Moe: Look at this one:
Ron: That makes me feel nice. Why do I keep forgetting that there’s such awesome artwork here?
Moe: Because you tend to be very negative about things in general. You’re the mean one. It’s kind of your thing. You act all pissed off and then eventually you come around.
Ron: I don’t have a “thing,” Moe.
Moe: What about that thing on your armpit? The green thing?
Ron: God dammit, Moe!
Moe: There’s so much art here!
Ron: Yeah it’s pretty rad, I won’t lie.
Moe: Do you usually lie, Ron? What are you hiding?
Ron: Moe, don’t start. Oh hey, look at this one!
Ron: OK so how do we spice this post up? That was our goal, remember?
Moe: I think we might have done that already. We’re probably good, Ron.
Ron: Fuck that, let’s spray paint all over the walls and break some windows and stuff! IT’S A RIOT, BITCH!!
Moe: Calm down, Ron. Our work here is done. There’s already a dead guy on the floor. I think that’s probably good enough.
Ron: Oh yeah. I killed somebody, lol. Let’s get outta here.
Moe_Ron leaves, apparently having committed murder and accomplished a goal of some sort. A mysterious pair of hands finishes the post, hinting at everybody to keep seeking out and enjoying art and to always start finishing.
Above you saw a link to the newest additions gallery. I don’t show that to just anybody, you know. We’ve got a connection of some sort, I can tell. Probably an internet connection. That’s right. I said it.
So… Did you check them out? They are made of pretty shapes and colors, as most visual art is.
Spend some time appreciating the art. It’s good for you. There are people in your life who look at and enjoy art. They are winning. Don’t let them win. Use my website to get back at them and view more art. There are now almost 400 items in the mattcarpenterart.com gallery.
Some of them are new. Some of them are over 10 years old, like the one up or to the right depending on what you’re doing. The style has both changed and stayed the same. Holy shit that’s the most “artist” CRAP I’ve ever said. I’m learning it!
One thing I’m struggling with recently is trying to come up with shit to say about my art. I’m going to be selling it soon and in order to do that, I’ve gotta have SOMETHING to say about each thing. I know, I know, “hey let the art speak for itself.” But if somebody asks “So what does this mean?” I can’t just say “It speaks for itself, ya dummy!”
So I’m trying to figure out how to have at least a few words about each thing. Lemmie practice on you with this one down here on the left (If you’re on mobile, it’s down below. Don’t drop your phone!):
“Ahh, yes, ‘The Point.’ I’m glad you asked. You see, I made this one back in 2002 and I have no clue what it means but look at the pretty shapes and colors. I like it, and you should, too.”
See, I’m getting really good at this! I’ll be perfecting artist-speak in no time! Let’s try another one:
“Ahh, yes, ‘Stick Chain.’ I’m glad you asked. You see, I made this one about two weeks ago and I have no clue what it means but look at the pretty shapes and colors. I like it, and you should as well.”
See how I changed it up there with the “as well” instead of “too” at the end? You’ve got to do that to prevent sounding repetitive. Thanks for doing a couple “drills” with me. I could tell this would be good. From the moment I thought you were trying to kill me earlier, I knew you were going to be helpful.
So hey, don’t forget to look at the new stuff (The second “f” in the word “stuff” can’t be trusted with a link. You’d understand if you knew that f) if you didn’t already. There will always be more on the way, so check back in at least every year or two. You won’t regret it. If you do somehow regret it, let me know, and I’ll give you a free explanation of one of my artworks.
In the meantime, don’t forget to clip your teeth and brush your nose, kids!
What, then, are we going to do with this post? What’s the point if there’s nothing to show you?
Well, I was hoping we could just hang out, you know? No real plans, just chill. Bring a book to this post, snuggle up, and read while you read, dawg. We don’t need a reason to get you over here, do we? This feels like friendship.
Settle in, friend. Spend some time here at mattcarpenterart.com. Look around. Check out the gallery. Read these words. Read some of the words above these. Read some of the words down below. You don’t even have to do it in order if you don’t want to. No pressure. I won’t judge if you want to just read random words from each sentence. Backwards. Do what you want.
Fuck it, man. There are no rules. We could even end this sentence with a comma,
Fuck it, man? I’m going to end sentences with question marks from now on? That changes the way you read it? I don’t even care?
How have you been recently?
Oh shit, really? I’m sorry to hear that. Well, Dog works in mysterious ways, so don’t lose fate. I mean farts.
I’m felling stronge write know. Does I looks okay!? WHOLEY SCHIT EIM HAVING AE FUCKEENG – ***ACHOOO!*** damn, excuse me. I’m still getting over this virus. I went to a festival, treated my body like a rental, and came home a little sick.
Oh wait, there IS some art. There are a couple new animations, actually! Here, point your viewerballs at this:
While making that one, this other one kinda just came together. Aim them peeperballs at this bad boy:
So yeah it turns out we did have SOME stuff to show. That’s about it, though. Oh, this one as well.. Use your headballs to zero in on this:
Anyway, you were saying things are going great and are expected to get even better? Nnnnnice! I’m proud of you. You’re doing a really good job, as far as I know. I can only go by what you tell me.
Are you really being honest with me? Things are going that well? Oh. I see.. You just said that because you don’t want to talk about what’s going on.
That’s fine. We won’t talk about it. It’s not like I would understand, I mean my head fell off last week but whatever, I could never understand loss or pain or struggle or anger or confusion or even hangnails, I get it. I get it: you think I don’t get it.
You know what? I think maybe it’s time you write.
I mean, maybe it’s time you left.
I just wanted to have a nice time with a friend and now you’re over there lying to me and judging me, thinking I couldn’t ever understand you. This is upsetting, and I think you should branch.
I mean, I think you should leaf.
There’s the window. See yourself out, please.
Oh, you’re too good for windows? Fine, I’ll take you up to the door on the roof.
Oh, you can’t fly? Well shit, no wonder you’re so irritable. Here.. there’s the door to the shredded floor. The door to the GROUND floor, I mean. Ground, not shredded.
Hey though are you sure you don’t want to stay? There are more words down there if you’d li– ok that’s fine. Here, don’t forget your jacket, and take these warm biscuits if you want. You remember where you parked? Probably on Facebook.
OK, bye, thanks for stopping by! Let’s maybe do this again soon, orr.. uhh no? Yeah? no? no. OK well we’ll talk later I’m sure. Byee!
Boy am I glad that person’s gone. I think that fucker stole my biscuits, can you believe that shit? What a relief they’re finally gone, though, so now we can hang out real intimate-like. Wait, who the fuck are you?
-CARPENTER PARTY BUNKER B (aka “Rubber Baby Party Bunker”)
Hey, is that you? Let me get my glasses on.. oh, it IS you! Hi! I hope you’re ready to read. You look ready 🙂
Let’s get right to it, because this is a whole stupid thing:
We’ve got a special guest today! Our friend Moe_Ron is going to read some new developments about the recent data leak/drizzle that revealed many shocking new artworks from Matt Carpenter’s main secure data center. The data drizzle appeared in Morse code on a Sizzler restroom wall. The code was decoded using a bunch of high-tech nonsense and was used to re-create Carpenter’s unreleased artwork without his permission.
So here with the update is Moe_Ron.
Moe_Ron, what have you got for us today?
Ron: Bahh, can we leave yet?
Moe: Cheer up, Ron! I’m always so excited when we get to contribute here. It’s really an honor. I was horrified when I read about the recent data breach, and I’m glad to see that mattcarpenterart.com is doing great and has handled it with total class. We’re here today to share a couple things about the investigation.
Ron: What a clusterfuck. Carpenter doesn’t know what he’s doing. This shouldn’t have happened to begin with. I know he’s sensitive about his artwork getting released early, so this premature artjackulation is a disaster.
Moe: Good one, Ron! High-five!
Ron: And then mattcarpenterart.com rushes to put out all the artwork on purpose “because it was out there anyway.” I mean, really, why would you just put it all out there in the spotlight? They should have suppressed it. Idiots and assholes and chumps!
Moe: Oh my, Ron.. You can’t really suppress things on the internet. That never goes well. I think they made the right move, and the art is great!
Ron: The art is CRAP, Moe! CRAP! There’s a reason he hadn’t released it yet. What a bunch of pseudo-conceptual eyesore CRAP! And of COURSE you can suppress things on the internet. Have you seen those images of your mom at the park dressed like a tiger eating cat food from an inflatable pool?
Moe: What? No! No way! What are you talking about, Ron?!
Ron: Exactly. You haven’t. That’s because I know how to suppress information on the internet. Those pictures are MINE and MINE only.
Ron: Annnnyyyyway, we have some information on the clusterfuck to share today, don’t we? What are we, news anchors now? Are they paying us yet?
Moe: It’s not a clusterfuck. It’s an unfortunate incident. And yes, we have some information about the investigation. I kind of like acting like a news anchor, Ron. This is super fun. We could pretend we don’t have pants on under the desk, hahaa! How naughty!
Ron: Now we’re gettin’ somewhere, Moe! Let’s fuck!
Moe: Calm down there, cowboy. I’ll start with the news. They gave us this script to read….
Ron: K, but we’re gunna fuck later, buster.
Moe:*ahem* New developments have expanded the scope of the investigation into the recent data drizzle of Matt Carpenter’s art beyond just Carpenter.
Ron: *ahem* That’s right, Moe. Reports from the FBI have surfaced that reveal similar data drizzles targeting multiple artists on a global scale. The FBI shared some information on the recently-discovered “BONE JAWZ,” an international group of anarchists who have been taking whatever measures they deem necessary to get artists’ unreleased artwork translated to Morse-code and scrawled onto public restrooms around the planet.
Moe: EEEEKK! Great job, Ron! You’re so good at this, oh my god this is gr-*ahem* That’s right. Matt Carpenter was not the only victim of this type of brutal attack. Up-and-coming artists (particularly those who often deal with triangles) from across the globe have been discovering this terrible truth: Their hard work is being displayed in Morse-code for free without their consent on restrooms everywhere.
Ron: Your child’s precious fingerpainting could be the next target.
Moe: Investigators have determined that one of the leaders of the BONE JAWZ may be Saucy Lee, the developer of the “I, Saucy Lee” triangle, who was very briefly discussed in a previous article in June of 2014 here on mattcarpenterart.com. Saucy Lee has been in hiding for decades and was not known to be recently connected to any large groups until now.
Ron: It was explained here on mattcarpenterart.com in the 2014 article that Saucy Lee is often the target of attempted assassinations by the Right Triangles, a dangerous cult-like group that insists “If you’re not Right, you’re Rong!” The FBI is looking into mattcarpenterart.com’s previous article mentioning Saucy Lee as a motive for the viscous data drizzle.
Moe: Saucy Lee has many enemies across the planet and has been mentioned by many triangle-enthusiasts in blogs, articles, tweets, and brief conversations with baristas. The FBI would not share any information linking him to BONE JAWZ but assured the public that he was involved. Any triangle-enthusiasts with unreleased artwork are encouraged to secure their data as best they can. Use lots of duct tape. Hopefully we’ll have more information to report in the future, but for now.. Beware: the BONE JAWZ are out there. Saucy Lee is watching. Stay classy, San Diego.
Ron: That’s the end of the script, oh thank GOD! That was sooooooooo stupid, Moe. If we don’t finally get paid for this, I’m not sure I’m going to participate anymore. Uhhgg this is embarrassing, honestly.
Moe: We did it!! Ronnie that was amazing you did such a great job we’re the best news team everrr!
Ron: Yeah well the REAL story here is that there’s no new art to present right now because it was all already stolen. There’s no reason for this post. People come here to look at art, Moe, DON’T YOU GET IT?!
Moe: Did you see this?
Ron: lol, no I didn’t! This is the best thing I’ve seen on here EVER. This is funny! You see? All that other stuff is all weird and conceptual and so full of itself. NOW we’re gettin’ somewhere, Moe! Let’s fuck!
Moe: OK. ::zzzzip::
Ron: Uhh, this is Moe_Ron signing off. C’mere, you little vixen!
A massive data leak (kind of a data drizzle) has revealed at least 20 new images from Matt Carpenter.
The first image to drizzle out looked roughly precisely like this:
Analysts have been unable to determine how this data leak occurred. We do know that the data appeared in Morse code on the wall in a Sizzler restroom and was eventually translated back to images using a bunch of high-tech computer bullshit.
Initial reactions to the new imagery have been mixed, like a frozen microwave meal halfway through the cooking process (replace film cover and cook for an additional 3 minutes).
The manager of the Sizzler was very proud of their bathroom, and really enjoyed the artwork that came out of it. “I’ve always known that our little restroom would grow up to do great things,” Blake Sizzle, Sizzler manager said. “This is an historic moment. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta take a shit.”
Wolf Blitzer was unavailable for Sizzler Drizzle comment.
Matt Carpenter was available for comment, but we didn’t want to bother him.
The artwork has now appeared in the “Newest Additions” section of the mattcarpenterart.com gallery. An “Experiments” subsection has been added to the New Additions as well, for more experimental works. The experiments don’t appear to be completed but they are interesting and share-worthy, so they’ve been uploaded.
ANALYZING THE LEAK
The Morse code on the bathroom wall was carefully inspected by experts, who discovered a couple of interesting things.
The sharpie that was used on the wall appears to be the same Sharpie that wrote “BONE JAWZ 2017” on a mirror at the coffee shop across the street. Nobody seems to know what “BONE JAWZ” means, including Joey Java, the manager of the coffee shop.
After further expert analysis, we learned that the handwriting of “BONE JAWZ 2017” matches the handwriting from a note written on the inside front cover of a copy of “The Hardy Boys: The Secret of the Caves” at the local library. Loanne Booker, the library’s manager, read the note to us from the Hardy Boys book: “We are all around you, but you’ll never find us! Stay away from the caves, though, because you definitely won’t find anything there.”
Investigators searched the caves and they definitely didn’t find anything there. They should have trusted the note. Always trust the note.
For now, the identity of dat data drizzler or drizzlers (The Sizzler Drizzlers?) remains unknown. If further information is discovered, you’ll either hear about it first here or on Sizzler.com.
ENJOYING THE ARTWORK
We have developed a method for enjoying the artwork. Follow these instructions very closely for optimal results:
After making a couple changes to his website (http://www.mattcarpenterart.com if you’re interested – you’ve probably never heard of it, but you should check it out! you know.. for the articles), Matt Carpenter made some graphical “headers” that hang out at the top of the website.
Really sharp people might be able to find a header image up above the top headline of this page. We’ll give you a few moments to find it. Every time you reload the page you’ll get a different one! Don’t get too excited, though.
After staring at his creations for a while, Matt was inspired to make them animated.
It turns out, though, that there can’t be a random rotation of animated gifs in the header. Poor Carpenter spent a lot of time making these things and they can’t even be used.
So, we figured that we’d post them up here so people could see them. Maybe this will cheer Matt up.
Carefully inspect these images:
These gifs weren’t meant to repeat over and over like this. As headers, Mr. Carpenter had them just doing their animation once and then stopping. We set them to loop here so that you can see them well.
So, there’s really nothing that can be done with these things at this point.
Matt’s pretty upset that he wasted so much time, but we know you’re proud of him. We sure are proud of him here at www.mattcarpenterart.com.
How are you doing? Oh, really? That’s interesting. Anyway, we haven’t posted here for OVER A YEAR! That’s outrageous, we know, but it isn’t our fault! Matt revoked our posting privileges because he found out about some shady business from our past. He was no longer comfortable allowing us to post here.
He’s still not, but we were able to guess his password and now we can post again! We’re BACK IN BUSINESS, BABY!!
There is a lot of new digital artwork laying around on this hard drive that we’ll have to sift through and show you later, but for now, we just wanted you to see those header images animate like Lord Matt intended.
Oh! There’s also this circle thing that we’re considering a kind of “logo” for mattcarpenterart.com:
You’ll notice this thing around the site where appropriate (unless you’re incredibly stupid. oh god please don’t tell me you’re that horribly dim. oh no! oh no it can’t be! Oh, there, you see it now. Phew. Man, we thought you were a complete idiot there for a moment). It’s in every animation above, actually.
Scroll back up and look at them again. We bet you’ve got a favorite. Don’t tell anybody which one it is, though! It’s a private, sensitive subject for a lot of people. We don’t want Mr. Carpenter dividing the nation again. That was NOT productive.
You’re still reading this. Isn’t it wonderful? You’re one of Matt’s favorites, did you know that? He loves when you show up here to look at art and read. Don’t tell him we said that. Don’t tell him we said this either, but sometimes when he’s all alone he thinks about y–
OMG he’s waking up. We gotta go! Wait, two more bonus images: