Global attention turns toward Matt Carpenter’s new website

-EARTH

General planetary excitement reached an all-time high as Matt Carpenter launched his new website, mattcarpenterart.com, where at least TWO digital artworks are displayed. Citizens of the world were thrilled beyond measure to notice a Gallery link near the top-left of the site. This story continues below Borat.

Everybody's dancing in celebration of the site's launch
Everybody’s dancing in celebration of the site’s launch

Visitors could not be reached for comment, because Carpenter had disabled commenting on the site, fearing server crashes and an inability to emotionally handle the potential worldwide outpouring of excitement and support. Commenting is expected to potentially be available within the next several decades, when people learn to behave themselves and Sir Carpenter has calmed down. Twitter, Facebook, and Match.com were abuzz when they realized nobody had noticed the Info link near the top-right corner of the sight.

Investigators have discovered that Carpenter can’t code for shit. The future of the site is in question with this new information arising, but true fans know that mattcarpenterart.com’s future is as bright as a laser-pointer to the eye.

In the future, Carpenter’s site will potentially have a time machine and prints of his digital works for sale, but for now, he is addressing various website launch issues and has been in close contact with local pet shop owner Peter McPuppy, who is guiding Carpenter through this launch with grace and a really cool, subtle bulldog accent.

Carpenter stressed that he was stressed. His plans to continue development on the site to bring it closer to sentience will likely be forgotten soon when he finds a job. We caught up with him outside Little Caesar’s to get a statement.

“Well,” Carpenter divined, “I didn’t even think about making this website until after I got home from Little Caesar’s, so this is kinda trippy that we’re talking about this right now. Wait, what?”

You read it here first, folks. And last.

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celebrate

Celebrations Erupt On Main Street As The Public Learns Of Plans For MattCarpenterArt.com

-MAIN STREET

Spontaneous celebration burst into the streets today, mostly on Main Street, as people discovered plans for the launch of www.mattcarpenterart.com.

Matt Carpenter, a digital artist, has been creating works since Henry VIII’s death in early 1547. Up until now, these works have resided on various servers that Carpenter had very little control over, so they were stable, clean, and easily navigated.

When people learned that these works would finally be available on a single place controlled by Carpenter himself (www.mattcarpenterart.com), tears of joy and exuberant shouts to the heavens exploded from people. This information is hard to verify, however, because everybody was shouting at the heavens at the same time so nobody was looking around to verify that anybody else was. Journalism is hard.

Conspiracy theorists are already proclaiming that this could be the end of life as we know it, or, even worse, the end of the internet as we know it. They’re probably right.

Only time will tell. We will be keeping a close eye on the Carpenter moonbase and earth-based compounds to bring you up-to-the-year reports.