This Century’s Featured Artwork: Try Angles

– CARPENTER MARS OUTPOST 7R, PRINTING FACILITY C, LEVEL 12 HEAD OFFICE, COMFY OFFICE CHAIR

The most basic polygon is the triangle. This fucker bridges the gap between angles and shapes.

For those not in the know, a triangle is a three sided two-dimensional polygon. Triangles are kind of like squares, but they have one less side. They’re kind of like an angle but the rays have a line connecting them, creating two more angles in the process so that three lines are now intersecting, warranting the name “TRI-ANGLE.” God damn; you didn’t already know this? Oh.. you did? OK Then. Good job.

There are several types of triangles. There’s the Equal Lottery triangle, for instance. This name has something to do with how random chance made all the sides the same length.

There’s also the I, Saucy Lee triangle, which I think was developed by Saucy Lee. Another one is the Super Cute triangle, which is just absolutely adorable! You should find one and play with it. PRICELESS!

Additionally, there are triangles out there calling themselves Right triangles. I’ve heard they’re some kind of cult. They regularly attempt to assassinate Saucy Lee and constantly put out videos and messages, warnings, and threats on the internet, sharing their main message of “If you’re not Right, you’re Rong!”

So that’s everything mankind knows about triangles so far, and I’m glad I could make this not only entertaining, but educational! By the way, I can’t stop seeing the word “TANGLE” in the word TriANGLE now.

Now that we’re all up to speed, let’s take a look at one of these things. This is what we in the industry call a triangle:

Triangle-01

Dammit! Let me try again.

OK. Focus, Matt. Triangle. Three sides. Three angles. THREE sides! Here we go:

Triangle-02

YYYYYESSS! Nailed it!

Anyway, what the hell are we doing here? It’s probably time to get to the feature:

I recently created this thing called the TripGrid. I was pretty pleased with how it turned out. Were you? Here it is:

TripGrid_Bright-small

I really like what happens in the negative space (That’s the space that goes “Hey, this isn’t gunna work! Hey, your goals suck! Hey, I’m negative space and I’m here to tell you your hands are stupid and they’re bad at doing stuff!”) on the TripGrid, and I’ve continued to mess with this idea.

Are you shocked to hear that I tried this same thing with triangles?

Every one of those shapes was individually rotated and colored. I may be able to figure out how to automate this process but I think there’s something charming (or sad? I get those two mixed up all the time) about the fact that I sit there and tend to each shape on a personal level instead of just pressing a button. *ahem* excuse me while I pat myself on the back.

** pat pat **

Man, I give the best back pattings.

So, I placed a shitload of identical triangles on a plane and started rotating each one of them:

Triangle-Uncolored-01

I know, you’ve probably got a better method, but this is MINE! 🙂

So then I colored them each individually as well:

Tri_Again_smaller

So. There it is. This is what happens when I’m left alone with a big red triangle.

The full Try Angles is 30×30″ and is now in my Featured section.

I made a little comic version out of it, as well. Oh did you ever see the TripGrid comic? Look:

Trip_Grid-funny

Carl just doesn’t get it, ya know? He attended EVERY meeting, and still had no idea what was going on…

So uhh.. oh yeah! The triangle comic:

Try_Angle_Funny-01

There you have it. My featured work of the century.

Check in next century for another exciting new Featured artwork! Thanks for taking a look and having a read. You’re kind of awesome!

The Weep Heard ‘Round the World: Matt Carpenter Hurts Hand, Puts Art on Hold For at Least a Couple Weeks

– CARPENTER MOONBASE 6, LEVEL 4, PRESS ROOM 2A

We’re going to have to make this quick because typing is still slightly painful.

Blades. Those things have been fuckin’ people up for over 2 million years. That’s right. You had no clue. Gorillas and people like them have been making sharp tools for over 2 million years.

Don’t believe me? Well here’s something I read on the internet that backs me up!

Lots of people have gotten hurt by these things.

Last Thursday evening, Matt Carpenter’s left hand was cut in the sink while he was dealing with some dishes. An evil knife jumped out of the sink and bit him between the thumb and forefinger, creating a large knife-bite mark that required five stitches and a week of “ow!”

These stitches are coming out today, but don’t expect any fancy art for a while, because this fucking hurts.

Dammit.

Let’s check in with our buddy Moe_Ron to see if he has anything to add. Moe_Ron?

Moe: Oh my gosh, Matt, I’m so sorry that happened! I hope you heal quickly and are back up on your fingers lickity-spl- uhh… in a flash!

This is our friend, Moe_Ron.
This is our friend, Moe_Ron.

Ron: Stop kissing his ass, Moe! Hey, Matt! You’re a fucking idiot! What the hell are you doing with your life?! Damn, dude, be more careful. Holy shit.

Moe: That’s so mean, Ron. He’s in pain right now and he’s our friend. He needs our support. It’s OK, Matt! You’re going to be ok, buddy.

Ron: He’s no friend of mine, Moe. Dude hasn’t done shit for me. And now he’s walking around spraying blood everywhere? What an asshole!

A photograph of what didn't happen
A photograph of what didn’t happen

Moe: He’s not spraying blood everywhere, Ron. That’s ridiculous. He’s got it patched up and cleans and cares for it daily. There’s no blood spraying anywhere.

Ron: I heard there was spraying

Moe: No spray

Ron: Spray!

Moe: No Spray!

— OK Moe_Ron we’re going to stop you right there. Thanks for your contribution, I guess.

I’ll be back into it soon, chumps. I mean champs. I mean chimps.

Traffic Jams Predicted in California as the Nation Rushes to see Matt Carpenter’s Artwork on Display at 2nd Street Cigar Lounge and Gallery in Downtown Los Angeles on Friday May 2nd, 2014

– DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES, CA, USA, EARTH, MILKY WAY, DOWN THE STREET FROM THE VIRGO SUPERCLUSTER, UNIVERSE, MULTIVERSE

Truck drivers are pissed. Taxi drivers are thrilled. Matt Carpenter is semi-prepared.

“Semi-prepared for what,” you may ask?

Go ahead. You may ask.

Ahh, I’m glad you asked!

5 works from Matt Carpenter will be on display and available for purchase at a kick-ass downtown Los Angeles venue. Info below:

Who:

Local artists including painters and photographers will be present with their works on display, as well as the mysterious figure behind www.mattcarpenterart.com.

What:

What?

When:

The display starts with an opening reception on Friday, May 2nd, 2014 from 7:00PM to 11:00PM, with Matt Carpenter and other artists in attendance.

The works will remain on display for two weeks.

Where:

2nd Street Cigar Lounge and Gallery

124 W 2nd St, Los Angeles, CA 90012

Why:

Because I said so!

How:

I’m still working on that part.

So the point here is, now might be a good time to get yourself one of those little personal helicopters because traffic is going to be outrageous. Projections estimate that roughly 14.35 million people will be in attendance. Parking, however, is not expected to be a problem.

To ensure they can handle this, 2nd Street Cigar Lounge and Gallery has ordered a few extra boxes of cigars; so don’t panic.

Matt Carpenter was unavailable for comment because he’s super nervous and kinda freaking out. It’ll be OK, though, Matt. We here at www.mattcarpenterart.com have your back!

Even Match, 8" by 10", will be on display
Even Match, 8″ by 10″, will be on display

Any time during that two week period, folks, feel free to swoop by and pick up a cigar and check out (purchase?!) some artwork!

Reporting Live from my laptop, this is some guy signing off. Well I can’t sign off until I submit this post, but you get the idea.

See ya! 🙂

 

New News Post Newly Posted to the News With Commentary From Moe_Ron

– CARPENTER MOONBASE

News of a new news post on http://www.mAttcarpenteRarT.com appeared early this morning in some AOL chatrooms, with people excitedly posting links and sparking debates on the newly posted news post.

Chatroom user “HotGirl1946” was seen saying “Wait, AOL has been free for years now? They’ve been billing me for service for almost 20 years!! brb, calling them”

Chatroom user “lolleyscrolley” had a lot to say:

lolleyscrolley: lol lol scroll scroll lol lol obama sucks lol lol scroll scroll
lolleyscrolley: lol lol scroll scroll lol lol bob dole ftw  lol lol scroll scroll
HotGirl1946: They said they’ll stop billing me.
lolleyscrolley: lol lol scroll scroll lol lol obama sucks lol lol scroll scroll
lolleyscrolley: lol lol scroll scroll lol lol bob dole ftw lol lol scroll scroll
lolleyscrolley: lol lol scroll scroll lol lol obama sucks lol lol scroll scroll
lolleyscrolley: lol lol scroll scroll lol lol bob dole ftw lol lol scroll scroll
lolleyscrolley: lol lol scroll scroll lol lol obama sucks lol lol scroll scroll
lolleyscrolley: lol lol scroll scroll lol lol bob dole ftw lol lol scroll scroll
lolleyscrolley: lol lol scroll scroll lol lol obama sucks lol lol scroll scroll
HotGirl1946: hey stop that! some people are still paying for this, kid!
lolleyscrolley: lol lol scroll scroll lol lol bob dole ftw lol lol scroll scroll
lolleyscrolley: lol lol scroll scroll lol lol obama sucks lol lol scroll scroll
lolleyscrolley: lol lol scroll scroll lol lol bob dole ftw lol lol scroll scroll
lolleyscrolley: lol lol scroll scroll lol lol obama sucks lol lol scroll scroll

The news post was very vague, and not much was learned from it, but the rumors are both flying and travelling by train.

For more on this, we’re joined by our friend Moe_Ron, an avid news reader:

This is our friend, Moe_Ron.
This is our friend, Moe_Ron.

Moe: Well, Ron. What do you think of the newly posted news post?

Ron: It sucks! There’s nothing here. The only thing good about it is that we’re featured here.

Moe: Well, I found it delightful and entertaining. And to top it off, yes, we’re featured! I think this is great!

Ron: It’s bullshit. They have NOTHING to announce. This website fucking blows, Moe. Let’s get out of here!

Moe: Ron, that’s a little harsh. Did you see any of the artwork?

Ron: No, I thought this was just a bunch of stupid fake news stories. Lemmie take a look.

…..

WWWOOOOAAAHHHHHH, man! Did you see the new one? Dandy.

Dandy-Full
Doodle Dandy

Moe: Why do you always call me names like that, Ron? You’re so insensitive. I thought we were friends, but you’re so MEAN to me like ALL the time! You constantly disappoint me 🙁

Ron: You constantly disappoint me as well, Moe. I’m talking about the new artwork called Dandy. That’s the name of the art piece. You idiot.

Moe: Oh. Oh, sorry for getting mad at you, Ron. YES! Yes I looked at them all earlier. I love it!

Ron: Dude there was art on this website this whole time? Why didn’t you tell me?! MOE, what the hell?!

Moe: You never listen to me. I told you to click the links in those stories.

Ron: I was too busy with hookers to click on links. Remember?

Moe: Yeah, did you pay them yet? That guy’s been showing up and pushing me around again, saying he’s gunna hurt you real bad if he doesn’t get his money.

Ron: Don’t worry about it. It’s allllllll good, Moe.

Moe: I AM worried. I know you’re broke, Ron. You shouldn’t get hookers when you’re broke. Didn’t your mother teach you that? She taught ME that.

Ron: She was too busy with hookers to teach me that.

Moe: Oh hey! I wanted to suggest we have pasta for dinner tonight. What do you think?

Ron: I’m sick of your ravioli, Moe. Can’t you make something else? Damn.

Moe: Why do you treat me like this?  Forget it, Ron! Forget it! I’m going to the bar!

Ron: Fine! Good! Go pick up boys; see if I care!!

….

Wait! Moe, wait! Please stay. Let’s have pasta. I love you.

Moe: I love you too, Ronold. Are you hungry?

Ron: Starving. Get your arse in the kitchen!

Moe: Arse? hahaa what are you British now?

Ron: Just trying it out. Didn’t like it. Get your ass in the kitchen!

 

This news reporter couldn’t have said it better, Moe_Ron. Thanks!

We’ll be back at some point in the past or future with another news post. Perhaps there will actually be news to report!

Until then, it’s now.

Panic and Shock Rock the Multiverse as mAttcaRpenTerart.com Launches a New “Featured” Section in the Gallery

– THIS WEBSITE

We thought we’d seen it all.  We thought the dust had settled and mAttcaRpenTerart.com had already achieved ultimate perfection. We thought he’d forgotten all about it, aside from adding only 20 new things under “New Additions” in the gallery, as well as 3 new series in the series gallery (totaling 43 new images there) and just 2 more super-impressive Larger Pieces,

We thought it was over. We thought we were done. We thought we’d get to retire and no longer have to worry about reporting on this dude’s website.

We thought the pay would be better, too! We thought we’d make trillions of dollars instead of mere billions from reporting on this website. We thought we were multiple people, but it turns out I’m writing my own news reports.

We were wrong. We were dead wrong. We were way way wronger than Pyongyang.

We were way way wrongerer than Willy Wonka washing William Wallace’s one wonderful wild white wool watchband while wistfully whistling “Wild Wild West” wickedly without wondering which Woolite wouldn’t worsen William’s wares.

Woah, wait, what were we writing regarding?

Oh yeah! We were wrong.

mattcARpenTerart.com has added a “Featured” section, available here.

We broke into Carpenter’s mansion to ask him what this section is. After having us arrested, his legal team sent our moms this note, written in blood on parchment:

_____________________________________________

Dear Moms,

Suck it!

Sincerely,

Matt Carpenter’s Legal Team

P.S. Suck it super deep!

_____________________________________________

Despite not being able to contact Carpenter, we did learn that the new “Featured” section will display works that Carpenter describes in a little more detail than usual. Information about the work and/or the process will be shared with each “Featured” piece.

The first and latest Feature is called “Fifteens” and is displayed below:

This new work, entitled “Fifteens,” is made from 15 radii. More information is available in the featured gallery

Many are still reeling from this shocking new addition, but they’ve mostly just reeled in old boots and toilet seats.

After careful analysis, one of these toilet seats was found to be worth $3, so that’s not bad.

We’ll be keeping an eye on Carpenter because we’re looking to attack him since he got us arrested. While we’re stalking him, we’ll be sure to keep you up to date on any new happenings on mattcArpenteRarT.com.

Please pay us.

Global attention turns toward Matt Carpenter’s new website

-EARTH

General planetary excitement reached an all-time high as Matt Carpenter launched his new website, mattcarpenterart.com, where at least TWO digital artworks are displayed. Citizens of the world were thrilled beyond measure to notice a Gallery link near the top-left of the site. This story continues below Borat.

Everybody's dancing in celebration of the site's launch
Everybody’s dancing in celebration of the site’s launch

Visitors could not be reached for comment, because Carpenter had disabled commenting on the site, fearing server crashes and an inability to emotionally handle the potential worldwide outpouring of excitement and support. Commenting is expected to potentially be available within the next several decades, when people learn to behave themselves and Sir Carpenter has calmed down. Twitter, Facebook, and Match.com were abuzz when they realized nobody had noticed the Info link near the top-right corner of the sight.

Investigators have discovered that Carpenter can’t code for shit. The future of the site is in question with this new information arising, but true fans know that mattcarpenterart.com’s future is as bright as a laser-pointer to the eye.

In the future, Carpenter’s site will potentially have a time machine and prints of his digital works for sale, but for now, he is addressing various website launch issues and has been in close contact with local pet shop owner Peter McPuppy, who is guiding Carpenter through this launch with grace and a really cool, subtle bulldog accent.

Carpenter stressed that he was stressed. His plans to continue development on the site to bring it closer to sentience will likely be forgotten soon when he finds a job. We caught up with him outside Little Caesar’s to get a statement.

“Well,” Carpenter divined, “I didn’t even think about making this website until after I got home from Little Caesar’s, so this is kinda trippy that we’re talking about this right now. Wait, what?”

You read it here first, folks. And last.

NotSoFatStack-small

celebrate

Celebrations Erupt On Main Street As The Public Learns Of Plans For MattCarpenterArt.com

-MAIN STREET

Spontaneous celebration burst into the streets today, mostly on Main Street, as people discovered plans for the launch of www.mattcarpenterart.com.

Matt Carpenter, a digital artist, has been creating works since Henry VIII’s death in early 1547. Up until now, these works have resided on various servers that Carpenter had very little control over, so they were stable, clean, and easily navigated.

When people learned that these works would finally be available on a single place controlled by Carpenter himself (www.mattcarpenterart.com), tears of joy and exuberant shouts to the heavens exploded from people. This information is hard to verify, however, because everybody was shouting at the heavens at the same time so nobody was looking around to verify that anybody else was. Journalism is hard.

Conspiracy theorists are already proclaiming that this could be the end of life as we know it, or, even worse, the end of the internet as we know it. They’re probably right.

Only time will tell. We will be keeping a close eye on the Carpenter moonbase and earth-based compounds to bring you up-to-the-year reports.