-CARPENTER PARTY BUNKER B (aka “Rubber Baby Party Bunker”)
Hey, is that you? Let me get my glasses on.. oh, it IS you! Hi! I hope you’re ready to read. You look ready 🙂
Let’s get right to it, because this is a whole stupid thing:
We’ve got a special guest today! Our friend Moe_Ron is going to read some new developments about the recent data leak/drizzle that revealed many shocking new artworks from Matt Carpenter’s main secure data center. The data drizzle appeared in Morse code on a Sizzler restroom wall. The code was decoded using a bunch of high-tech nonsense and was used to re-create Carpenter’s unreleased artwork without his permission.
So here with the update is Moe_Ron.
Moe_Ron, what have you got for us today?
Ron: Bahh, can we leave yet?
Moe: Cheer up, Ron! I’m always so excited when we get to contribute here. It’s really an honor. I was horrified when I read about the recent data breach, and I’m glad to see that mattcarpenterart.com is doing great and has handled it with total class. We’re here today to share a couple things about the investigation.
Ron: What a clusterfuck. Carpenter doesn’t know what he’s doing. This shouldn’t have happened to begin with. I know he’s sensitive about his artwork getting released early, so this premature artjackulation is a disaster.
Moe: Good one, Ron! High-five!
Ron: And then mattcarpenterart.com rushes to put out all the artwork on purpose “because it was out there anyway.” I mean, really, why would you just put it all out there in the spotlight? They should have suppressed it. Idiots and assholes and chumps!
Moe: Oh my, Ron.. You can’t really suppress things on the internet. That never goes well. I think they made the right move, and the art is great!
Ron: The art is CRAP, Moe! CRAP! There’s a reason he hadn’t released it yet. What a bunch of pseudo-conceptual eyesore CRAP! And of COURSE you can suppress things on the internet. Have you seen those images of your mom at the park dressed like a tiger eating cat food from an inflatable pool?
Moe: What? No! No way! What are you talking about, Ron?!
Ron: Exactly. You haven’t. That’s because I know how to suppress information on the internet. Those pictures are MINE and MINE only.
Ron: Annnnyyyyway, we have some information on the clusterfuck to share today, don’t we? What are we, news anchors now? Are they paying us yet?
Moe: It’s not a clusterfuck. It’s an unfortunate incident. And yes, we have some information about the investigation. I kind of like acting like a news anchor, Ron. This is super fun. We could pretend we don’t have pants on under the desk, hahaa! How naughty!
Ron: Now we’re gettin’ somewhere, Moe! Let’s fuck!
Moe: Calm down there, cowboy. I’ll start with the news. They gave us this script to read….
Ron: K, but we’re gunna fuck later, buster.
Moe:*ahem* New developments have expanded the scope of the investigation into the recent data drizzle of Matt Carpenter’s art beyond just Carpenter.
Ron: *ahem* That’s right, Moe. Reports from the FBI have surfaced that reveal similar data drizzles targeting multiple artists on a global scale. The FBI shared some information on the recently-discovered “BONE JAWZ,” an international group of anarchists who have been taking whatever measures they deem necessary to get artists’ unreleased artwork translated to Morse-code and scrawled onto public restrooms around the planet.
Moe: EEEEKK! Great job, Ron! You’re so good at this, oh my god this is gr-*ahem* That’s right. Matt Carpenter was not the only victim of this type of brutal attack. Up-and-coming artists (particularly those who often deal with triangles) from across the globe have been discovering this terrible truth: Their hard work is being displayed in Morse-code for free without their consent on restrooms everywhere.
Ron: Your child’s precious fingerpainting could be the next target.
Moe: Investigators have determined that one of the leaders of the BONE JAWZ may be Saucy Lee, the developer of the “I, Saucy Lee” triangle, who was very briefly discussed in a previous article in June of 2014 here on mattcarpenterart.com. Saucy Lee has been in hiding for decades and was not known to be recently connected to any large groups until now.
Ron: It was explained here on mattcarpenterart.com in the 2014 article that Saucy Lee is often the target of attempted assassinations by the Right Triangles, a dangerous cult-like group that insists “If you’re not Right, you’re Rong!” The FBI is looking into mattcarpenterart.com’s previous article mentioning Saucy Lee as a motive for the viscous data drizzle.
Moe: Saucy Lee has many enemies across the planet and has been mentioned by many triangle-enthusiasts in blogs, articles, tweets, and brief conversations with baristas. The FBI would not share any information linking him to BONE JAWZ but assured the public that he was involved. Any triangle-enthusiasts with unreleased artwork are encouraged to secure their data as best they can. Use lots of duct tape. Hopefully we’ll have more information to report in the future, but for now.. Beware: the BONE JAWZ are out there. Saucy Lee is watching. Stay classy, San Diego.
Ron: That’s the end of the script, oh thank GOD! That was sooooooooo stupid, Moe. If we don’t finally get paid for this, I’m not sure I’m going to participate anymore. Uhhgg this is embarrassing, honestly.
Moe: We did it!! Ronnie that was amazing you did such a great job we’re the best news team everrr!
Ron: Yeah well the REAL story here is that there’s no new art to present right now because it was all already stolen. There’s no reason for this post. People come here to look at art, Moe, DON’T YOU GET IT?!
Moe: Did you see this?
Ron: lol, no I didn’t! This is the best thing I’ve seen on here EVER. This is funny! You see? All that other stuff is all weird and conceptual and so full of itself. NOW we’re gettin’ somewhere, Moe! Let’s fuck!
Moe: OK. ::zzzzip::
Ron: Uhh, this is Moe_Ron signing off. C’mere, you little vixen!
Moe: Eeekk teehee!
OK thank you, Moe_Ron. A true delight, as always.
In other news:
Stay assy, friends.